Posted by: Jeff Rose | March 15, 2009

New Stock Market Terms

Since I’m a financial planner many friends and clients have been kind of enough to forward this e-mail to me numerous times.   After receiving it for the 115th time, I figured it was only appropriate to post it to the blog.   If you’ve seen it already, I apologize, but give it another read and I assure you that you’ll get a chuckle.  I also added an new one to the bottom of the list.  Enjoy!

Due to today’s rapidly changing stock market, the following terms have had to be revised for investors in order to more clearly reflect today’s economic condition:

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Liquidity– What happens when one looks at their retirement account statements and wet’s their pants.

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